Stuck between two worlds . . .

So, have you ever been stuck between two ideas or two places and didn't know which way to go or just felt like you didn't belong in either place?

On the outside, I look like a mother of three beautiful healthy children, which I am. So, I have three children which means I can't be suffering from infertility. WRONG!! When people see us out and about we look like the typical American family – husband, wife, and three kids. You know you don't know a family or a couple's story because they don't wear it. A friend best said it, when she stated, "I just assumed, maybe as many do, that you happily had three and decided that was your "number."  Our kids are older now, so when looking one might think we have completed our family. I don't wear a badge that says, "Mother of three here in this place, seven angels above, and still longing for one more here in this place."

So one foot is in the world of parenthood and the other is in the world of infertility. We didn't decide three was our number, we had a family plan and four was the number we wanted, still want. Even though we are stuck between two worlds, society doesn't or isn't sympathetic and dictates we are not part of the infertility world. We have had family and friends tell us we should be thankful for the three we have and leave it at that. What they don't realize is those words cut like a knife because we are thankful for our three children but we agonize over the loss - our loss.

Not just the loss of each pregnancy, but the loss of being pregnant and having another baby/child to raise as our own. I have come to the conclusion, unless you have experienced this loss, it is too hard to understand what a couple is going through. Please understand, I would never wish this loss, pain & suffering even on my worst enemy. I know I can't understand the pain and suffering a couple or a woman is going through that still has empty arms, but they can't understand the pain and suffering Jay and I have and are going through either. Every couple's journey to parenthood is their own and every couple's pain and suffering to get to parenthood, whether it be to the first child or the fourth child or the tenth child, is their own and doesn't lesson or isn't limited because they have entered the world of parenthood.

Every time we visited a fertility specialist we treaded lightly because we weren't sure if we belonged there, in the world of infertility. When I would sit in the waiting room, I remember feeling sadness for the other couples who sat there, too. Not knowing their individual story made my heart ache. I do have three beautiful children, but what if they still had empty arms, should I be there taking up the doctor's time???? We discussed these emotional feelings with the doctor on our initial consultation, and he reminded us infertility was infertility – primary was no different than secondary because they were caused by the same thing. We were all there for the same reason. We all desperately wanted to have a baby.

So, here we are with one foot in the world of parenthood and one foot in the world of infertility.