Why??

After our miscarriage in Dec. of 2004, I was very upset. I couldn't understand (still struggling with) why this was happening. Why had four pregnancies ended with such sadness? We had three successful pregnancies and three beautiful healthy children. For the most part our children were healthy; Mackenzie was the only one that had some minor health challenges.

The obvious minor complications during the pregnancy as discussed earlier, and then from birth we just assumed we had a colicky baby. However, by 5 weeks of age she was diagnosed with gastric reflux and was put on a daily med to be given with each feeding.

Then when she was three months old she was fighting a low grade fever for weeks and the doctor's office, actually the receptionist, kept insisting it was viral every time we phoned. Unfortunately, I was naive, even though she was the third baby – we never had anything with the other two, and listened to her. After three weeks of an on and off fever, she ended up having a febrile seizure, shortly stopped breathing and turned blue. Luckily my neighbor's sister was a nurse and she was over so I, well I can't remember if I phoned or ran next door, but she came over and got her breathing and pinking up while we waited for the emergency squad.

We spent several hours overnight at Columbus Children's Hospital while they ran every gamut of tests on her; from x-rays, urine catheter, blood draws, to a spinal tap. We left there with no answers other than "it must be viral." I guess when doctors can't explain something their response is "it's viral." Well, 24 hours after culturing her urine, it was determined she had a severe urinary tract infection which meant there probably was an underlining cause.

So another round of tests which included an abdominal ultrasound, okay harmless for a three month old infant, but then she had to have a Fluoroscopic Voiding Cystourethrogram (VCUG) which consists of a catheter and filling her bladder while watching the flow. They used tests to diagnose her condition and determine treatment. She was diagnosed with Vesicoureteral Reflux grade three on both sides – layman's terms, she had kidney reflux and the urine flowed in reverse from her bladder to her kidneys. She was put on daily antibiotics and had to have testing done every six months for the first 18 months and then every year until it spontaneously corrected itself or it was determined she would need surgery.

We always joked and said "had she been the first she would have been an only" because she challenged us after having it easy with the first two. With her diagnosis, anytime she ran a fever, even a low grade one, she had to go to the doctor's office and provide a urine sample to make sure she didn't have an infection. As she got older and potty trained she could pee in a cup, but those first couple of years entailed the nurses putting a catheter in to take a urine sample. That was rough, okay maybe rougher on me than it actually was on her, but she cried everytime.  Luckily, when she was 5 1/2 years old her condition had spontaneously corrected itself, even after getting better in the beginnig but then getting worse the year before she was cleared and released from the doctor. 

To go back to what I initially said in this post . . . I couldn't understand why we were having such a difficult time conceiving and carrying to term another child. I use to question was it something I said or did? When I made that comment about being the first she would have been an only, did I speak the future and, if you will, jinx having another child. Matter of fact, after I lost the first baby in October of 2001 I wondered if it was something I said in conversation with my mom. After 9/11, I remember how fearful I was and I told my mother I didn't know if it was right to bring another child into this world of uncertainty. One month later, I lost that baby. So, was I being punished for my statements?