The first of many

In August, actually August 25, 2001 I took a home pregnancy test . . . it was negative.  Well, that didn't make any sense because I was a few days late and I was like clockwork when it came to my menstrual cycle - 28 days always!!  The only other times I surpassed that 28th day were the three previous pregnancies.  So, on August 28, 2001 I took another one . . . still negative.  September 2, 2001 another test . . . okay, a very very faint line - so, is it or isn't it, am I or aren't I.  September 4, 2001, one more test . . . the line is darker this time, but still faint. Yeah we're pregnant with #4 and it's our wedding anniversary.  I was in Iowa on my way to Ohio with the kids while Jay was back at our house in Parker, Colorado.  So, I called to share the wonderful news, but I was a little apprehensive.  I don't know it just didn't feel quite right.  The kids and I enjoyed our visit with family in Ohio and Iowa and returned home on Sept. 10, 2001.

I made my first prenatal appointment, which was a little bit of a chore considering we were new in the area. The initial visit was one to establish a patient doctor relationship and confirm the pregnancy.  So, I met the nurse and the physician assistant and had the first blood panel drawn to confirm the pregnancy, especially since I took so many home tests before we got a positive one.  According the the office, when they phoned me about the results everything was fine except my iron was really low.  Of course, I asked if the HCG counts were good and vague questions if the pregnancy was fine, and I was reassured based on the labs and the fact that I had already had three successful pregnancies everything was fine. 

We had only been in Parker, CO for a little over two months, and believe it or not it had been a couple of very stressful months.  We lived in a three bedroom apartment on the third floor of four floors in our building.  Unfortunately, we lived above a retired elderly couple that had no tolerence at all for little children.  At the time Cassie was 6 1/2, Zack was 3 3/4, and Mackenzie was sixteen months old, so they were little and very busy.  Every little sound the kids would make caused the Hudsons (and yes that's their real last name) to either call the leasing office to complain or take a broom stick and thump on their ceiling scaring the children. 

There were so many horrific memories from living above this couple, but there are two that stand out.  The first was when the kids were out on our little wood deck, which of course was directly above their deck, and they were sliding down their Little Tyke plastic slide and driving around their little Little Tyke toy trucks and cars.  Well, instead of calling the office and complaining or claiming that the kids were tormenting their dogs, Mr. Hudson started pounding on the bottom or our deck with a broom.  All the sudden the kids started screaming so I ran outside on the deck to see him through the cracks.  Of course, I was very upset and yelling the kids were just playing and leave them be.  I phoned the office and explained the kids were doing nothing more than being kids and I just didn't understand what the Hudsons expected other than we sit still all day and do nothing.  The office assured me that the Hudsons were known to be complainers for no good cause and not to worry because their exessive complaints were not going against us - because of course I was worried about getting kicked out.  The second incident involved me in the kitchen. I was chopping onions with the Pampered Chef chopper and he started pounding with the broom.  It didn't take me long to get out my front door and pound on his.  With chopper in hand I, not very calmly, explained how ridiculous he was being and the noise was coming from me preparing dinner. 

Here I am, pregnant in the first trimester with a hightened stress level!!  I didn't feel good about the pregancy to begin with considering the initial testing.  Well, then I started having signs or symptoms that became very concerning to me.  Besides the maternal instinct that things just didn't feel right, I started spotting.  I phoned the doctor's office, but they assured me things were fine and I would be back in the office around 12 weeks and they would confirm everything was fine.

The kids were aware Mommy was pregnant and we even had names already picked out.  You see when you plan and try to conceive for an extended period of time, you envision a wee little one and think about what he or she will look like and what to name the precious little bundle.  We had told the kids that if they had a new little sister her name would be Isabella Rose and we'd call her Belle and if it was a little brother his name would be Parker Douglas.  Every night during prayers, the kids would pray for mommy and the baby along with their Aunt Lisa and her baby, you see I was due in May (finally, the exact date has escaped me) and my sister-in-law was due in April. 

Well, things kept getting worse.  The symptoms just weren't going away and at 10 weeks I was still spotting lightly, but now I started to have a discharge that was very similar to what one passes in early labor, what I considered the mucous plug.  I phoned the office and expressed my highest concern that something must be wrong, especially since my sure tail pregnancy symptoms seemed to be replaced with PMS symptoms.  The nurse assured me that things were probably fine since I had had three successful pregnancies, but if I was adament about coming in they had an opening and they could go ahead with the ultrasound that day to put my mind at ease.

Nothing would ever be the same.

Jay & I packed up the kids and headed to the doctor's office.  It was chilly outside and I didn't see a need to haul the little ones into the office so Jay stayed outside in the van with them while I went in for my appointment.  When the nurse called me back she made a comment to me that at least I would be put at ease once they did the ultrasound because she was sure that everything was fine. 

I lay there on the table waiting for the doctor to come in and just got more and more anxious.  I knew there was a problem with my last pregnancy; however, this doctor didn't seem too worried about that.  When the doctor came in, she asked what brought me in and I explained the symptoms and expressed my concern that something was wrong with the pregnancy.  So she said, "Let's take a look."  Well as she started the ultrasound and placed that magical wand on my belly, she explained we should be able to see the baby as well as hear the heart beat.  As she continued to look, she asked about the date of my last menstrual cycle.  It became very quite in the room, even the nurse wasn't speaking as they all looked at the ultrasound monitor.

Finally the doctor drew may attention to the screen . . . once I saw it, she really didn't have to say much since I was familiar with an empty gestational sac.  I became numb as she said, "It appears the baby stopped growing. I can't detect a heart beat and the sac appears to be empty." Once I sat up the emotions took over.  All I could do was cry.  Even though I felt and knew in my heart something was wrong now the realization set in.  The doctor explained my options to let nature take its course, schedule a D & C, or take a medication at home that would cause my body to abort the empty sac and any remnants of the pregnancy. She told me to go home and talk it over with my husband before I decided what to do.

It took me a while to gather myself together and walk out of the office.  As the nurse walked me out, she apologized profusly saying she learned a valuable lesson that day to not take things for granted. When Jay & I got home we talked about the options.  For me I wanted it done and over with, so we felt the D&C was the best option.  Well, the doctor had other recommendations.  Since there was no apparent embryonic tissue she thought letting nature take its course was the best.  Well, for me I just wanted it done and over so the nurse talked with the doctor and she agreed to the prescription to expedite the ultimate end.

The doctor prescribed Cytotec,  a medication registered for use to prevent gastric ulcers, but Cytotec also induces uterine contractions.  In 2001, I couldn't find much information about the usage because it was fairly new in the states, but now it has such a grim description terming it "as abortion pills for pregnancy termination. Studies have demonstrated that Misoprostol (Cytotec) can be used to terminate pregnancies of any gestation."  Which was part of the delimna we were dealing with.  By using the medication as the doctor prescribed, we would be knowingly terminating our pregnancy.  It was hard to justify terminating a pregnancy, but I saw that screen . . . there was nothing there.  Now, keep in mind, I wondered "could this be similar to the last pregnancy".  The main difference this time was the gestational date, I was already at 10 weeks and the sac was empty and the doctor spent a lot of time looking just in case.