Our first miscarriage

As I mentioned in the previous post, the doctor prescribed Cytotec to help assist in the termination of our pregnancy since it was not viable.  Of course, she had explained how to take the medication and had recommended doing it one evening when I would have help at home the next couple of days because it would cause the uterus to contract as with labor.  She said I would feel like I was in labor and there would be heavy bleeding. 

As I waited for the weekend to approach, we got our first snow.  The first snow always happens the first week of October in Colorado.  Zack and I were watching out the window and he said to me, "Mommy, Parker would have liked the snow."  You see, we figured the kids needed to know that the baby in Mommy's tummy had died and so we didn't hide it from them. 

That weekend was rough, I took the medication and woke up in the middle of the night with mild labor pains. I just barley made it to the bathroom before it all started, and within hours I had passed the gestational sac.  Not to sound gross, but in the bottom of the toilet laid the sac which appeared to be about the size and shape of a large egg.  I always questioned if I did the right thing by taking that medicine . . . what if there was a tiny being within there that had been overlooked.

That first true loss was the hardest for obvious and not so obvious reasons.  We were sadden that we lost our baby, because to us the moment we found out we were pregnant it was our baby.  I remember confiding in a friend who was a true blessing at the time.  She had struggled to have just the one daughter she had; however, she didn't belittle my loss, she sympathized with me.  I don't know that I ever truly grieved for the loss of that little one because I felt guilty. I mean I already had three beautiful children how could I justify being sad or upset about the loss since there are so many couples out there who can't even have that one to call their own. 

On top of it, we were alone. It was just us to deal with the loss.  We were hundreds of miles away from either one of our families.  We had three little ones to take care of, so I think we rushed to "get over" our loss.  Some days were harder than others, and sometimes they still are.