Fast Forward through 2 years 2 doctors & 2 miscarriages

Believe it or not in February 2005 we found out I was pregnant, again. The doctor was optimistic because my HCG counts were good and a lot higher and better than those of the pregnancy in December of 2004. Matter of fact, it would seem that we got pregnant the first cycle after the Methotrexate injection, which was not planned. Yes we were having unprotected sex, but conception wasn't something that happened very easily for us. The doctor shared her genuine excitement and stated she thought this could be the one!

We were cautiously optimistic because we had had so many disappointments in the past. Unfortunately, as we approached the six week mark, I miscarried again. The doctor said it more than likely happened too soon after the injection and it was nature's way of discarding an undeveloped baby. She expressed true compassion and explained she understood that it didn't make my loss any easier.

Well, I got very comfortable with this OB/GYN, but unfortunately her practice was no longer in my insurance's network. So, for my 2005 annual, I had to find a new doc. Of course, when you go in for your annual they ask all the same questions. So, this new doctor thought it was in our best interest if we sought an infertility specialist. Been there done that. Yes, we wanted (still want) another baby, but first, we didn't have the resources/funds to go to an infertility specialist and second, we thought that should be reserved for those couples who had empty arms. Luckily, before my 2006 annual was due my old OB/GYN's practice was back in the network. Unfortunately, the month before my annual we had a positive home pregnancy test, which we waited out and after a week of finding out I was pregnant we loss that pregnancy too.

When I went in for my annual in August of 2006, my doctor and I talked about options. Since I was currently at my heaviest weight, she had suggested losing 10% of my body weight because sometimes that is just enough to jump start the reproductive system in females. So, in September, Cassie started a nutritional class at our co-op and I was the teacher's helper. We learned a lot about reading labels, the importance of the food pyramid, calorie intake, and portion control. So I started applying things I learned and was focusing on losing some weight hoping it would help. By October I had lost five pounds. I was motivated and optimistic that this lifestyle change could be beneficial.

By March of 2007 I had lost 14% of my body weight, I had lost 35 pounds. BUT nothing had changed. I was still having problems with my menstrual cycle and we still hadn't achieved a viable pregnancy. It was frustrating and I was very angry. WHY?? Why was the best gift being taken away from me, from us?? What did I do wrong to deserve this much pain?

Why??

After our miscarriage in Dec. of 2004, I was very upset. I couldn't understand (still struggling with) why this was happening. Why had four pregnancies ended with such sadness? We had three successful pregnancies and three beautiful healthy children. For the most part our children were healthy; Mackenzie was the only one that had some minor health challenges.

The obvious minor complications during the pregnancy as discussed earlier, and then from birth we just assumed we had a colicky baby. However, by 5 weeks of age she was diagnosed with gastric reflux and was put on a daily med to be given with each feeding.

Then when she was three months old she was fighting a low grade fever for weeks and the doctor's office, actually the receptionist, kept insisting it was viral every time we phoned. Unfortunately, I was naive, even though she was the third baby – we never had anything with the other two, and listened to her. After three weeks of an on and off fever, she ended up having a febrile seizure, shortly stopped breathing and turned blue. Luckily my neighbor's sister was a nurse and she was over so I, well I can't remember if I phoned or ran next door, but she came over and got her breathing and pinking up while we waited for the emergency squad.

We spent several hours overnight at Columbus Children's Hospital while they ran every gamut of tests on her; from x-rays, urine catheter, blood draws, to a spinal tap. We left there with no answers other than "it must be viral." I guess when doctors can't explain something their response is "it's viral." Well, 24 hours after culturing her urine, it was determined she had a severe urinary tract infection which meant there probably was an underlining cause.

So another round of tests which included an abdominal ultrasound, okay harmless for a three month old infant, but then she had to have a Fluoroscopic Voiding Cystourethrogram (VCUG) which consists of a catheter and filling her bladder while watching the flow. They used tests to diagnose her condition and determine treatment. She was diagnosed with Vesicoureteral Reflux grade three on both sides – layman's terms, she had kidney reflux and the urine flowed in reverse from her bladder to her kidneys. She was put on daily antibiotics and had to have testing done every six months for the first 18 months and then every year until it spontaneously corrected itself or it was determined she would need surgery.

We always joked and said "had she been the first she would have been an only" because she challenged us after having it easy with the first two. With her diagnosis, anytime she ran a fever, even a low grade one, she had to go to the doctor's office and provide a urine sample to make sure she didn't have an infection. As she got older and potty trained she could pee in a cup, but those first couple of years entailed the nurses putting a catheter in to take a urine sample. That was rough, okay maybe rougher on me than it actually was on her, but she cried everytime.  Luckily, when she was 5 1/2 years old her condition had spontaneously corrected itself, even after getting better in the beginnig but then getting worse the year before she was cleared and released from the doctor. 

To go back to what I initially said in this post . . . I couldn't understand why we were having such a difficult time conceiving and carrying to term another child. I use to question was it something I said or did? When I made that comment about being the first she would have been an only, did I speak the future and, if you will, jinx having another child. Matter of fact, after I lost the first baby in October of 2001 I wondered if it was something I said in conversation with my mom. After 9/11, I remember how fearful I was and I told my mother I didn't know if it was right to bring another child into this world of uncertainty. One month later, I lost that baby. So, was I being punished for my statements?

2004 - A Blurr till the end of the year

Well, much of 2004 is a blurr. All I remember is having to find yet, another new doctor because our insurance changed, my husband still worked for the same company, but they found a need to change carriers. 

The new doctor I found was awesome.  She was compassionate and encouraging.  Of course, though, she wanted to run her own gamut of tests and see if something had been overlooked or had changed. It had been a while since I had any cycles with Glucophage and Clomid so she wanted to see if we had a different result this time.  We went through the recommended number of cycles before she wanted, well she did, to refer us to the reproductive specialist.  Again, we explained our insurance coverage was miniscule so we wouldn't be able to afford any services from the reproductive specialist.  However, she recommended going to see what his recommendations were.  So, we went for our consultation and the doctor labeled my condition as a "habitual aborter." 

Keep in mind by 2003, they had ruled out a male factor, my husband was definitely not the problem.  So here the burden laid upon me.  I was the problem.  I could get pregnant, but couldn't stay pregnant. It was my fault.  What was I doing wrong?  Okay, I'm not a skinny mama, but at the time I wasn't much bigger than I had been when we conceived Mackenzie.  I didn't (still don't) smoke or drink excessively (yeah, I have an ocassional drink, but nothing to put me out).  I was taking dietary supplements, but I lacked (still do) excercise.  So, why?  What is so different now from our first, to our second, to out third pregnancy which were sucessfully carried to full term?

We explained to the reprocutive/fertility specialist that we wanted to increase or enhance our chances of a viable pregnancy.  We really didn't want to incur a lot in medical expenses, let alone we didn't have much to go towards any of the services offered. He graciously explained what his services were and if we were not able to commit he understood.  He prescribed a few cycles with the clomid and told us to use the ovulation predicting kits, which we had become quite familiar with over the years.  There was no success.

Well, after going in for my annual with my OB/GYN she agreed to put me on and keep me on Glucophage to help maintain lower insulin levels because that seemed to keep me on regular cycles. 

On December 14, 2004 I had to phone my OB/GYN because I was in so much excruciating pain.  Nothing, non of the over the counter meds I had tried were relieving the pain.  I was doubled over and trying to rest.  My last menstrual cycle was Dec. 2 so I was only on day 13.  The doctor thought maybe it was a cyst that had ruptured so they brought me in for an ultrasound.  They couldn't find or see anything that would be causing so much pain.  The doctor ordered a blood panel and within 24 hours she had called to inform me I was pregnant and she wanted to know how the pain was.  I was still in pain, but the meds she had prescribed were taking the edge off.

Here we go again . . . every other day into the office to have blood drawn.  Each call brought unwelcoming results.  My HCG counts were going up, BUT they weren't doubling, almost, but not quite like they should be.  With that and the pain I was in, the doctor said these were indications of an ectopic pregnancy.  After seven days of blood draws, the doctor thought it best to terminate the pregnancy before there was any damage to my fallopian tube.  What does that mean??

You mean I have to willingly and knowingly make a concious decision to terminate another pregnancy.  The doctor explained that there was not going to be a good outcome to this pregnancy, especially if I continued on and ended up with a ruptured tube.  So, to preserve my fertility, if you can call it that, she ordered a Methotrexate injection.  I had to go to St. Ann's chemotherapy department for the injection.

When they took me back to the treatment area the nurse explained the side effects and then said we should wait a year before trying to conceive.  WAIT!!  I wasn't told that.  Do you know how long we've been trying to conceive without success.  So, she phoned my OB/GYN and I talked, sobbed, and listened to her.  She assured me we wouldn't have to wait a year, at least 3 - 6 months.  She explained there needs to be enough time to make sure there are no remnants of the pregnancy left and that the medication has had time to leave my system.  After the injection, I had to go in once a week to make sure the pregnancy hormone levels dropped and continued to drop indicating the termination of the pregnancy.  I was cleared of the pregnancy in mid January of 2005.  We lost another baby.

Moved Back to Ohio - Finding a New Dr.

It's amazing how things can change in an instant.  One minute we are living in Parker, Colorado and the next we are living in my in-laws basement in Ohio.  We celebrated Christmas 2002 in Ohio and Jay started a new job in January 2003.  The only constant we had at the time was our journey to expand our family was not being put on hold, we figured if it happened it happened. 

Unfortunately, I was still having painful menstrual cycles and other symptoms that needed to be addressed.  My doctor in Colorado was ready to do the laparoscopy after the first of the year.  Well, we got situated, started looking for a house, and I found a new OB/GYN.  After the initial consultation and review of my medical records, it was agreed to go ahead and do the diagnostic surgery. 

So, in April 2003 I had laparoscopy where they found a cyst and a mild case of endometriosis and they confirmed my tubes were clear and free of any obstruction. After the surgery, the doctor recommended a few cycles on Glucophage and Clomid to see if we could get pregnant.  After a few months of no success, the doctor referred me to a reproductive specialist.  Jay & I went for the initial consultation, but any visit after that was not covered on our insurance.  So, we were not able to utilize his services because the treatments were more than we could afford.

Well, by September 8, 2003, I was on day 39 of my cycle so I took a pregnancy test and it was positive.  So I phoned the doctor's office and they ordered an HCG serum.  The numbers were good and they doubled the next draw, but by the third draw they were still climbing but not doubling.  The doctor's office wanted me to come in and have another draw.  Well, eight days after we found out I was pregnant we found out it was not a viable pregnancy and I was beginning to miscarry, again. 

A few months later, we went through it again.  I waited a while before I took the home pregnancy test because there had been so many disappointments.  The pregnancy test showed a positive result with a very faint line.  Well, we were pregnant, but we knew, in our hearts, what to expect.  So far, anytime we've had a faint positive result usually ended up as an early miscarriage.  I was just under six weeks pregnant when we lost that baby, too.

Infertility Specialist and Testing

Just as one goes in for a post-natal visit after delivering their baby, I had to go in 3 weeks after the miscarriage to have a blood panel done to confirm there were no remnants of the pregnancy left.  I was still on such an emotional roller-coaster.  I would have good days, but the bad ones out numbered the good.  I remember just laying around curled up on my bed crying or even sitting locked in the bathroom crying.  I tried to hide my emotions, especially from the little ones who didn't really understand it all other than mommy's baby died. 

I was also still dealing with the Hudsons, who at this point I partly blamed for our loss.  I was so stressed with their antics that I thought maybe the stress could have caused the miscarriage.  On top of that, I was dealing with the fear, as many Americans, from the terrosist attacks of 9-11.  Matter of fact, I was feeling some guilt because in a conversation with my mother after the attacks I questioned how I could bring another child into this world with the unknown going on. 

The doctor had recommended taking some time to get back on my feet, emotionally and physically before we tried again.  She recommended six months.  So, we lost the baby in early October and by the end of October, we moved from the apartment to a 3 bedroom rental house.  I desparately needed change and I needed to get away from the Hudsons so our kids could be kids.  We did take some time before we started trying to conceive again, but we didn't do anything to prevent getting pregnant. 

After that miscarriage, my menstrual cycles were never the same.  I went from being 28 days like clockwork to so sparatic it was hard to determine when my fertile time - if there was such a time - was.  My OB/GYN at the time didn't seem to concerned because she told me 1 in 5 pregnancies end in miscarriage and I was still young (I was only 29). 

Since we had had such a hard time conceiving in the past, I thought maybe I would educate myself more.  I read Toni Weschler's Taking Charge of Your Fertility.  I started charting, which the whole charting thing is very stressfull.  So, was that new stress adding to our lack of conceiving, still the doctor didn't want to say it was infertility.

About eight months after the miscarriage, my dear friend had recommended I go see the infertility specialist that helped her.  At the initial consultation he diagnosed me with secondary infertility having ovulation dysfunction.  He did the whole work up to check my FSH, LH, TSH, prolactin, thyroid, etc.  There were no apparent causes for our current status of infertility.  So he started me on clomid and I went in for periodic ultrasounds and blood work to see if the dosage was appropriate.  After three unsuccessful cycles (each one the dosage increased), my symptoms, my family-(maternal sides's female medical history, the doctor thought it best to do a diagnostic laparoscopy.  We figured we'd get through the holidays and do the surgery after the first of the year.

Our first miscarriage

As I mentioned in the previous post, the doctor prescribed Cytotec to help assist in the termination of our pregnancy since it was not viable.  Of course, she had explained how to take the medication and had recommended doing it one evening when I would have help at home the next couple of days because it would cause the uterus to contract as with labor.  She said I would feel like I was in labor and there would be heavy bleeding. 

As I waited for the weekend to approach, we got our first snow.  The first snow always happens the first week of October in Colorado.  Zack and I were watching out the window and he said to me, "Mommy, Parker would have liked the snow."  You see, we figured the kids needed to know that the baby in Mommy's tummy had died and so we didn't hide it from them. 

That weekend was rough, I took the medication and woke up in the middle of the night with mild labor pains. I just barley made it to the bathroom before it all started, and within hours I had passed the gestational sac.  Not to sound gross, but in the bottom of the toilet laid the sac which appeared to be about the size and shape of a large egg.  I always questioned if I did the right thing by taking that medicine . . . what if there was a tiny being within there that had been overlooked.

That first true loss was the hardest for obvious and not so obvious reasons.  We were sadden that we lost our baby, because to us the moment we found out we were pregnant it was our baby.  I remember confiding in a friend who was a true blessing at the time.  She had struggled to have just the one daughter she had; however, she didn't belittle my loss, she sympathized with me.  I don't know that I ever truly grieved for the loss of that little one because I felt guilty. I mean I already had three beautiful children how could I justify being sad or upset about the loss since there are so many couples out there who can't even have that one to call their own. 

On top of it, we were alone. It was just us to deal with the loss.  We were hundreds of miles away from either one of our families.  We had three little ones to take care of, so I think we rushed to "get over" our loss.  Some days were harder than others, and sometimes they still are.

The first of many

In August, actually August 25, 2001 I took a home pregnancy test . . . it was negative.  Well, that didn't make any sense because I was a few days late and I was like clockwork when it came to my menstrual cycle - 28 days always!!  The only other times I surpassed that 28th day were the three previous pregnancies.  So, on August 28, 2001 I took another one . . . still negative.  September 2, 2001 another test . . . okay, a very very faint line - so, is it or isn't it, am I or aren't I.  September 4, 2001, one more test . . . the line is darker this time, but still faint. Yeah we're pregnant with #4 and it's our wedding anniversary.  I was in Iowa on my way to Ohio with the kids while Jay was back at our house in Parker, Colorado.  So, I called to share the wonderful news, but I was a little apprehensive.  I don't know it just didn't feel quite right.  The kids and I enjoyed our visit with family in Ohio and Iowa and returned home on Sept. 10, 2001.

I made my first prenatal appointment, which was a little bit of a chore considering we were new in the area. The initial visit was one to establish a patient doctor relationship and confirm the pregnancy.  So, I met the nurse and the physician assistant and had the first blood panel drawn to confirm the pregnancy, especially since I took so many home tests before we got a positive one.  According the the office, when they phoned me about the results everything was fine except my iron was really low.  Of course, I asked if the HCG counts were good and vague questions if the pregnancy was fine, and I was reassured based on the labs and the fact that I had already had three successful pregnancies everything was fine. 

We had only been in Parker, CO for a little over two months, and believe it or not it had been a couple of very stressful months.  We lived in a three bedroom apartment on the third floor of four floors in our building.  Unfortunately, we lived above a retired elderly couple that had no tolerence at all for little children.  At the time Cassie was 6 1/2, Zack was 3 3/4, and Mackenzie was sixteen months old, so they were little and very busy.  Every little sound the kids would make caused the Hudsons (and yes that's their real last name) to either call the leasing office to complain or take a broom stick and thump on their ceiling scaring the children. 

There were so many horrific memories from living above this couple, but there are two that stand out.  The first was when the kids were out on our little wood deck, which of course was directly above their deck, and they were sliding down their Little Tyke plastic slide and driving around their little Little Tyke toy trucks and cars.  Well, instead of calling the office and complaining or claiming that the kids were tormenting their dogs, Mr. Hudson started pounding on the bottom or our deck with a broom.  All the sudden the kids started screaming so I ran outside on the deck to see him through the cracks.  Of course, I was very upset and yelling the kids were just playing and leave them be.  I phoned the office and explained the kids were doing nothing more than being kids and I just didn't understand what the Hudsons expected other than we sit still all day and do nothing.  The office assured me that the Hudsons were known to be complainers for no good cause and not to worry because their exessive complaints were not going against us - because of course I was worried about getting kicked out.  The second incident involved me in the kitchen. I was chopping onions with the Pampered Chef chopper and he started pounding with the broom.  It didn't take me long to get out my front door and pound on his.  With chopper in hand I, not very calmly, explained how ridiculous he was being and the noise was coming from me preparing dinner. 

Here I am, pregnant in the first trimester with a hightened stress level!!  I didn't feel good about the pregancy to begin with considering the initial testing.  Well, then I started having signs or symptoms that became very concerning to me.  Besides the maternal instinct that things just didn't feel right, I started spotting.  I phoned the doctor's office, but they assured me things were fine and I would be back in the office around 12 weeks and they would confirm everything was fine.

The kids were aware Mommy was pregnant and we even had names already picked out.  You see when you plan and try to conceive for an extended period of time, you envision a wee little one and think about what he or she will look like and what to name the precious little bundle.  We had told the kids that if they had a new little sister her name would be Isabella Rose and we'd call her Belle and if it was a little brother his name would be Parker Douglas.  Every night during prayers, the kids would pray for mommy and the baby along with their Aunt Lisa and her baby, you see I was due in May (finally, the exact date has escaped me) and my sister-in-law was due in April. 

Well, things kept getting worse.  The symptoms just weren't going away and at 10 weeks I was still spotting lightly, but now I started to have a discharge that was very similar to what one passes in early labor, what I considered the mucous plug.  I phoned the office and expressed my highest concern that something must be wrong, especially since my sure tail pregnancy symptoms seemed to be replaced with PMS symptoms.  The nurse assured me that things were probably fine since I had had three successful pregnancies, but if I was adament about coming in they had an opening and they could go ahead with the ultrasound that day to put my mind at ease.

Nothing would ever be the same.

Jay & I packed up the kids and headed to the doctor's office.  It was chilly outside and I didn't see a need to haul the little ones into the office so Jay stayed outside in the van with them while I went in for my appointment.  When the nurse called me back she made a comment to me that at least I would be put at ease once they did the ultrasound because she was sure that everything was fine. 

I lay there on the table waiting for the doctor to come in and just got more and more anxious.  I knew there was a problem with my last pregnancy; however, this doctor didn't seem too worried about that.  When the doctor came in, she asked what brought me in and I explained the symptoms and expressed my concern that something was wrong with the pregnancy.  So she said, "Let's take a look."  Well as she started the ultrasound and placed that magical wand on my belly, she explained we should be able to see the baby as well as hear the heart beat.  As she continued to look, she asked about the date of my last menstrual cycle.  It became very quite in the room, even the nurse wasn't speaking as they all looked at the ultrasound monitor.

Finally the doctor drew may attention to the screen . . . once I saw it, she really didn't have to say much since I was familiar with an empty gestational sac.  I became numb as she said, "It appears the baby stopped growing. I can't detect a heart beat and the sac appears to be empty." Once I sat up the emotions took over.  All I could do was cry.  Even though I felt and knew in my heart something was wrong now the realization set in.  The doctor explained my options to let nature take its course, schedule a D & C, or take a medication at home that would cause my body to abort the empty sac and any remnants of the pregnancy. She told me to go home and talk it over with my husband before I decided what to do.

It took me a while to gather myself together and walk out of the office.  As the nurse walked me out, she apologized profusly saying she learned a valuable lesson that day to not take things for granted. When Jay & I got home we talked about the options.  For me I wanted it done and over with, so we felt the D&C was the best option.  Well, the doctor had other recommendations.  Since there was no apparent embryonic tissue she thought letting nature take its course was the best.  Well, for me I just wanted it done and over so the nurse talked with the doctor and she agreed to the prescription to expedite the ultimate end.

The doctor prescribed Cytotec,  a medication registered for use to prevent gastric ulcers, but Cytotec also induces uterine contractions.  In 2001, I couldn't find much information about the usage because it was fairly new in the states, but now it has such a grim description terming it "as abortion pills for pregnancy termination. Studies have demonstrated that Misoprostol (Cytotec) can be used to terminate pregnancies of any gestation."  Which was part of the delimna we were dealing with.  By using the medication as the doctor prescribed, we would be knowingly terminating our pregnancy.  It was hard to justify terminating a pregnancy, but I saw that screen . . . there was nothing there.  Now, keep in mind, I wondered "could this be similar to the last pregnancy".  The main difference this time was the gestational date, I was already at 10 weeks and the sac was empty and the doctor spent a lot of time looking just in case.

Trying to conceive #4

Our youngest daughter was born in May of 2000. Considering our previous history with conceiving we thought it might be in our best interest to go off birth control when she was six months old in hopes to get close to a two year gap. Let me just say, she is now 9 ½ yrs old and we are still trying. It's been a long stressful journey with very disappointing outcomes.

Trying to conceive our third child

Our son was born in December 1997 and in November 1998 I went off my birth control in anticipation of conceiving another child. We didn't think anything of the fact it took us a little over a year to get pregnant the time before we just thought it was a fluke. Well, after a few months of no success we just thought it was timing and stress. I used all the ovulation calculators to try and determine my fertile time. There were charts taped to the inside of our bathroom medicine cabinet as a reminder when we should be really sexually active. Have you ever tried to tell your husband, okay we need to have sex every other day starting "x" and then every day from "x-y", over and over for months. The whole planning when to have sex was taking the fun out of trying to conceive and the intimacy out of making love. After nine months of trying to conceive, we were finally pregnant.

Well, eight weeks into the pregnancy, I started spotting and then bleeding. I made a trip to the doctor and he did a pelvic examine and a vaginal ultrasound. I'll never forget that day lying on the doctor's table. The pelvic exam was confirming what was seen on the ultrasound screen. The doctor gave me information on early miscarriages and explained I was having one.

The image on the ultrasound screen showed an empty gestational sac. The pelvic exam showed my cervix was low and opened allowing for the passage of the materials. According to the doctor, at 8 weeks we should definitely be able to see an image and possibly the heartbeat on the ultrasound, but there was nothing there. We talked about nature taking its course and other options because the bleeding was not heavy. Luckily, our doctor was not one to jump, he wanted to take some time and see what was to come.

I went in every other day to have blood drawn for two weeks. The bleeding turned to spotting and then stopped. The HCG kept going up, which didn't make any sense at all. Well, at 10 weeks 2 days, I went back in for another ultrasound and there she was a healthy little fetus with all the appendages and according to the measurements a 10 wk 2 day baby. This did not make sense to any of us because two weeks early there was nothing there, not even a hint of a flutter!! He did a pelvic exam, which showed the cervix was high and closed - a lot different than two weeks earlier.

As the pregnancy progressed, the doctor's only explanation was more than likely I miscarried a twin and when he did the ultrasound and found the empty gestational sac he didn't think to look for another sac. After that, the pregnancy was too pretty uneventful. Matter of fact, Mackenzie was only two days early. But when she entered this place, the doctor said she was a "true miracle baby" having found her place early in the pregnancy and then upon her delivery it was observed that she had a knot in her cord and it didn't hinder her growth.

Trying to Conceive our second child

My husband & I love our children and are thankful they have been given and entrusted to us. When we dated, my husband had jokingly said he'd love to have eight children and I was still trying to find my ground and wasn't really sure how many, if any I wanted. I am the oldest of three, with a seven year age gap between my brother & I and nine years between my sister and I. My husband is the oldest of four, with seventeen to two years between each sibling's birth. As we started planning our family we thought four would be a nice round number and we thought it would be best to have them within two years of each other.

As we all know, things don't always turn out the way we plan. Matter of fact, it seems the more we plan things, see I am the organized planning freak, the more they go astray or at least have some kinks. Our oldest was born in March of 1995 and I went off birth control when she was eleven months. We started trying to conceive after her first birthday. We figured it would take a few months since I just came off birth control, but we did not think it would take us twelve months, one long year to have a viable pregnancy. Being only 24, the doctor didn't seem too worried and said to just be more conscious of my fertile time of the month.

In August of 1996, I went to the doctor complaining about heavy bleeding and the fact that my previous cycle was so light and short it just seemed weird. Well, since I did menstruate, even though it wasn't anything like a normal cycle, I never thought to take a pregnancy test. So the doctor ordered some blood work. Well, based on the results, his diagnosis was more than likely I had an early miscarriage, but not true confirmation just suspicion. He said there were minor traces of human chorionic gonadotropin (HCG) in my blood, but it was so little that there was no way to confirm that I had been pregnant without a previously positive pregnancy test. So one might say that was the first of many losses we would bear.

Trying to conceive is suppose to be a joyous time, but when you are to the point of month after month planning when to have sex, the joy of trying becomes obsolete because now it's work, a chore. It took its toll on us and actually became very stressful and put a strain on our marriage. Finally, in April of 1997 we found out we were expecting our second child. The pregnancy was pretty uneventful other than having a kidney stone, which I apparently passed, in the third trimester.

Our journey or struggle Introduction

Well, I've been thinking about putting myself out there and sharing a more personal journey than just our daily antics. Some of our closest friends and immediate family are aware of our personal struggle, but not everyone is completely aware of the length and the emotion that has embraced us.

I am hoping to find therapy in sharing this journey. I have started numerous journals, especially when we encountered a hill we just couldn't climb and faced another loss. But as time passed, those jottings just didn't seem as important anymore or do justice for what I truly felt. However, I do believe when one writes it down it is very therapeutic, hence this blog's address. I don't anticipate this to be a very lengthy blog or one that I will visit much once I get you up to date, but I just want to put it down and share it with you. I know there are others, who have faced a harder struggle to absolutely no avail, but one's struggle is their own and it doesn't mean it doesn't have any value for that individual or couple.

Let me start by introducing the family. We are a family of five – Dad-Jay, Cassie-14 yr. old daughter, Zachary – 12 yr. old son, Mackenzie-9 yr. old daughter, and me Mom-Angie. For some, it looks like we have an ideal family with the kids spaced out not too close in age yet not too far apart, but I would like to use this space to talk about our struggle to become a family.